Recently I have been reflecting on the intensity & reality of time. Does anyone else get anxiety when thinking about never being a child again?..... never being a teenager again. Those days are over, really? Am I even supposed to care about that kind of stuff...because I DO. I turn 21 in less than a month. I remember sitting in my princess pink bedroom on a self-made couch in Pennsylvania writing in my journal...wondering who I would be when I grew up...21 years old. what would I look like? would I have a boyfriend? would I be happy? where would I live? would I still be crazy about playing soccer? would I look & act more like my moma? Would I still copy & follow every move of Paiges? What experiences would I have already gone through? Would I still be alive? Would I know what being in love felt like? Who would be my best friend? Would people like me? Would I make in a country music video yet(;? Would I still get nervous, shaky, & a lump in my throat when having a normal conversation?
Would I still cry at the thought of homeless people, the love I have for my siblings, the compassion I have for babies, the song "Fancy" by Reba McEntire, the kids who get beat up at school, & the people who eat alone at restaurants. I can now answer YES to each of those wonders of mine at age 11. (now tearing up at each)
Yesterday is gone. Like really. It's over. My childhood is no longer. The next time I see one will be in one of my own children. How much time do we have? Does anyone else get scared? I think too much. But I'd rather think too much than talk too much, right? Those movies where someone gets a chance to re-do high school always fooled me when I was younger. I never thought a day would come where I was dealing with what I have dealt with, good or bad. I never thought my heart would/could break. I never thought I, a brick wall, could feel broken. I never thought I would be infected with a deadly disease that kills one person every hour. I never thought I would be moving to an island, pass college classes, fly on a plane alone, let alone go in a grocery store by myself.
This past week in Ohio I had the chance to spend some quality time with a friend I have had since the age of 5. We road the bus together for a few years. She gave me a Barbie's little sister, Kelly, doll & that was it, best friend forever necklaces exchanged the weekend of. We spent many nights together. We shared a baby kitten. We gave each other many "MASH", friends, & favorites tests. We watched GoodBurger too many times & probably spent over $500 together at dollar general over the years. I moved away in second grade but we made a pact to never lose touch. We promised to continue to write, email, call & keep each other updated. Although, at the time we were serious, most move on with life...and lose touch. One winter, when visiting, her & I were about 9 or 10 years old went sledding at a park by my old house. It was her turn to be in front of the sled. We were FLYING down an icy patch of a steep hill when I realized there was no stopping the sled. My legs collapsed under the sled when trying to stop us from hitting a tree square ahead. I don't remember hitting it nor seeing her fly off 10 feet away from the sled but the next thing I knew the ambulance was there, cutting her boot off her left foot turned 360 degrees the opposite of her right foot. I turned my head in tears wondering why I hadn't just been able to stop the sled. Her mother & I rushed to the hospital following the speeding ambulance. I couldn't stay long with her because our family had to return home but let's just say she ended up missing the rest of the school year, was in a cast up to her thigh, & had screws & plates inserted in her ankle & foot. As we were driving to dinner the other night I noticed the scar on her foot. I looked down at the two on my leg & then on to the one on my chest. Chills went down my arms. I don't even know what came to mind, now that I think about it, but I looked in my spot mirror at myself & smiled. A lot has happened in the past year of seeing one another, which took about 3 hours of story sharing but we both concluded that we have never been happier. We have fallen in and out of love & had rough times, but agreed we never thought we would be sharing these stories with each other in the month of July, year 2011. We both were lucky enough to 'dodge a bullet', to give our all to only be unappreciated. Sharing with each other that we could never handle what the other has been through, we concluded that God does indeed know we can handle the punches we are thrown. He will never give us anything we can't handle. & in the end everything will be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
I think about being 7. How innocent, kind, & pure I was. How life was a playground & my back yard was an imaginary jungle, tree house, or foreign country. The other day I heard the ice cream truck. My heart started pounding...so hard. I felt like I needed to SPRINT to my piggy bank to gather enough change before it was too late & he had past our house. Instead I ran to get my little brothers. I couldn't help but get it on camera. The simple joys of watching Chandler decide which ice cream he wanted & the thumbs up he gave A.J when satisfied with the taste. I don't appreciate these times enough. Sometimes I sit in my car before work at 6:30 am & stare at the sunrise. Why haven't I noticed how gorgeous it is until now? Why have I spent so much time on the computer, sleeping in, & being selfish? Life is about being happy, grateful for our blessings, falling in love, starting a family, & living for him who died for us. We all need to stop getting caught up in the things of the world & realize the time is ONLY ticking. When we set the clocks back, we aren't really setting the clocks back.
My sister and I got up at 5:30 am today to catch a flight home & make it for our 3 hour service of church. With out her I would not of gone. I would of slept & made up an excuse to myself that it was okay to not attend church. I would of woke up & probably watched tv. But instead I went, listened, wrote my unknown future husband a 4 page letter, smiled, & wrote this book of a blog post. It really has been too long since I wrote on here. I haven't heard a thing today besides my own thoughts. Just FYI to those of you I have 'communicated' with. Change is so good to me, it's doing me good. I see it now. I forgot for a second what it felt like to fly free. infinite feels good on me. The anxiety & uncomfortable feelings I have felt before have disappeared. That I thank you for, blog.
it's time i start making time to appreciate, use, & hold on to time