Friday, March 21, 2014

I haven't cried in probably two months but all I have to do is play one song and it's instant tears. Last Kiss- Taylor Swift. It brings me back to a crazy time in my life. I'm suddenly back, 20 years old sitting on my floor bawling over a guy I was madly in love with, trying to train my brain to forget his embedded number in my head. Detaching every nerve in my body that won't let go of his memory, his touch, his love for music, and the months he spent on the exact square of body by his side and my heart in his hands . I'm now diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma and all of my dreams of moving to Hawaii are on hold. I have short blonde hair, tan fragile skin, and feathers clipped into my braids. My windows don't have curtains and I'm sneaking boys into my room at 4am. I spend $250 on chemotherapy clothes in hopes to feel better about the upcoming month of fear, shattering my every bone. I'm up all hours of the night, sometimes until 6am, falling asleep at sunrise. I rarely go to church and I have no appetite from my heartbreak. I'm in and out of surgery and addicted to hydrocodiene. I'm opening 5-10 "get-well-cards" a day. I hate the attention I'm getting and cry more for my moms sadness than I do for my own. I'm rubbing vitamin E oil all over my fresh scars, ruining my sheets and brand new memory foam mattress. I'm staring into the mirror wondering how I will look bald, questioning why I never got a warning, wondering if I deserve this for being mean to the girl who stole my boyfriend. Wondering if it's all my fault for tanning too much for prom. All for one day; one event I won't even remember. I'm driving for a purpose and getting half way down the road and short- term-memory loss has me right back in the drive way, tears running down my face. I'm calling my sister, while she's on a mission in chile, asking her how I will do this without best friend. Promising her I am strong, encouraging her to stay and do what she knows is right. I'm fully convinced I am a bird, wings, nest and all convinced I will fly free one day, as a free bird would. 

1 comment:

  1. This is so touching, so sincere, so heartbreaking, so beautiful. I feel like those who have gone through the bitterest pain are capable of the deepest love. Thank you for sharing this.