Monday, October 1, 2012

these past couple of weeks have just been odd.
life has become more serious to me and daily realities don't feel real. My dreams are weird, my days are foggy, and as "stressed" as I feel with future plans I also feel like I've been floating through the hours. Self-diagnosed social anxiety and the least desire to talk to anyone.

Bon Iver's voice hasn't left my speakers and the tumblr app is always my first go-to when on my phone. I try to find a quote or picture to take me away for a second and then come to realize I've been gone for hours.

I keep asking people questions in order to feel level with their answers..

I keep going back to the most random memory of my youth: I'm at a gas station on the way to Jackson Hole. April 24, 2010. Black Jetta. I loved that Jetta. The gas station has two floors, I don't understand why anyone would want to live above a gas station. I go inside to look for ice cream, I'm barefoot..there is so many ice cream options. I want to live above this gas station. I buy sunflower seeds. Jim Bean kind..the only kind the person in the driver seat will eat. We leave and drive the long way, cause that's what we always did. Mapquest printed out on paper. Took the long way so we would get lost, getting lost was an adventure and everyday at the age of 18, 19, and 20 was an adventure.
 It fit perfectly.
I go back to this moment, I remember stepping on glass and not caring...spilling gasoline on my hand on purpose cause I loved that smell. I was wearing a little dress with flowers on it..
I didn't want to love that person in the drivers seat anymore.
I wanted out.

It's only been two years but atleast once a month I go back to that day. It's one that is so clear to me, the smell in the air, the ache in my heart, the fake smile on my face. I had other plans..other plans, I am just now accomplishing...
two years later.
I feel nauseous thinking back to that time, although one of the happiest of my life, it makes me sick to my stomach.
I get that gulp in my throat..the one I felt, so many times in my life, on first days at a new school.

never did I ever think I'd have to get through as much as I have to get to what I was planning back then. I was never given any sort of warning, probably for the best.

I miss being a little girl, I was so innocent...One time I cried on the playground because I felt guilty for saying the word stupid.
Telling friends I couldn't have sleep-overs because I genuinely wanted to stay home and play in my room.. alone.
Writing little notes on the back of my dresser hoping that one day I would find them and still love that same boy, Bradley, who kissed my cheek at circle time.
I miss building forts, trading pokemon cards, climbing trees, dominating at kickball, selling chocolates to the neighbors in hopes of having enough points for that lame frisbee.

It is a foreign feeling to be graduating without a significant other.
It is also an uneasy feeling to know that after I leave my home here, I no longer have a bed titled to my body. I don't have a closet full of my old clothes or my high school car in the driveway waiting for me.

But I do have plans and an atlas in my hand.

A little different than where I thought I would be at 22 years old, but fulfilling the same plans I had on that day, at that gas station.

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