Thursday, August 23, 2012

Two years ago from today I was diagnosed with Melanoma Skin Cancer Stage 3. 
August 23, 2010 was when my world stopped.
My life was no longer in my hands, but turned over to Heavenly well as my new friend Doctor Beitsch
I was given a choice that no 20 year old girl wants to ever have to make; Chemotherapy.
As I laid on the crinkle-paper blanketed bed, the whole room turned white.
I stared at the spotted ceiling, then forming little birds in my mind.
My mom sobbed as she threw her head in my dad's chest.
He stayed strong and pulled the nurse outside the room, while I gained my consciousness back.
That feeling & those words remain in my gut ever since.

It's not everyday that I think about it, it's moments like 10 minutes ago when I'm looking in the mirror at myself and see the scar on my chest, the scar that once held a port. A tiny contraption, my frail collarbone hated for 31 days straight. My eyes follow that scar all the way down to my hip bone. The scar that starts there and doesnt stop until it reaches my thigh. "That one is ugly", my mind thinks. I once was asked by a male friend if I had been attached by a dog. I never wanted to wear a swimsuit again, after being asked that question.

My eyes trail down to another scar on my leg then another on my ankle and on and on to about every body part I own.
I'll admit, sometimes I cry. It's rare and I'm not sure if they're tears of strength & reminisce or tears of fear of the future. My future as well as my future children's risk.

I'm scared it may come back and relapse. I never ever want to go through it again. I know in my heart that if so, I could fight thru.. I just cant bear the realization that recurrence is a possibility.

When sharing my story I always make it lighter than it really was. I try to sound tougher than I really am and hate any attention or pity given. It truly was the worst of the worst.

Today I stand on two feet with my head held high. All of my hair has grown back and I'm more in shape than I ever have been before. I try to eat very healthy and I am super conscious in the sun. I am planning my dream of a volunteer trip for January 2013. I would of never thought I would be where I am today, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

1 comment:

  1. You're so brave! Though scars are sometimes a reminder of how far we've come, I wanted to share with you a treatment I used to help me with some old scars I had. Scarguard was really effective and light, so it's easy to wear everyday. I found a code online (Save10Total) in case you want to give it a shot!