Here it is. The love story I have waited to be able to write my entire life. There hasn't been a day that I haven't spent a portion of time daydreaming about that 'life event' that seemed so far from my reality.

I imagined him to show up in a coffee shop on main, book in hand.....sit down next to me....and this overwhelming euphoria of finality would wrap around my body. And I would KNOW that he was the one. My waiting time of independence, swiping left, scanning the aisles, "Imma-do-me" and self-fulfillment would now be over.

Obviously, this is not at all what happened. I moved to Salt Lake City, Utah in July of 2014. I received two job offers within a day and decided to decline the position as a flight attendant for SouthWest Airlines. I accepted a job at a homeless shelter downtown, knowing this career path would lead me to stability, which is exactly what I knew my life was needing, at the time. My roommate and I looked at two apartments, in one day, and decided within the hour that the second place was it. We moved in on my birthday and started a whole new life in a brand new, spunky city filled with my dream of men in cute shoes on bicycles, covered in tattoos and beards. I went to work, gym, chipotle, and home to netflix in bed. This was a wash, rinse, repeat for my life for about 4 months. Occasionally I was going on dates and cutting them short due to my lack of social-butterfly wings and declined invitation for conversations about the weather.

There was one day, in particular, that sticks out to me as "the beginning" of our story. It was late November.... I was sitting with my friend Neal, in Sunday school, and he mentioned the name Garrett Lanier. I responded that I had no clue who he was talking about, although I knew my home-teacher's name was something close to it; I had never put a face to the name, before then. He followed with, "you know exactly who I am talking about Brit, he's your future boyfriend." I laughed and realized he was talking about the guy sitting two seats down. One who was clean shaven, Elder's Quorum President, soft spoken, and probably the kind of guy my parents pray I would bring home one day. Again, laughed.

Saturday January 17, 2015 I had cried myself to sleep while texting my sister and mom, complaining about how hard it was to see everyone else getting boyfriends and husbands and starting families, all things my heart had desired for so many years. I started to question what was wrong with myself and what I had done to deserve such a sadness of lonely standing, I started to wonder why it was becoming so easy to imagine my life without a future spouse and family, and that I had settled with the path of being alone, self-relient, and independent forever. I went back and forth and finally said a prayer, on my knees, begging for comfort, optimism, and a better understanding. One I knew I had studied and learned my whole life. That the purpose of life, the whole entire reason we are here on earth, is to gain a physical body,exercise agency and fulfill our potential as His children. We will experience both joy and sorrow, and  make choices that will shape our eternal character. The goal of our earthly test is to return to our Heavenly Father as a more intelligent, more mature, and more compassionate being—to be more like Him. I decided to delete all bad distractions out of my life, to put away hard feelings I had felt for past heartbreaks, and to start opening my eyes to people who I normally do not see (notice).

I decided to respond to my home teachers and invite them to come and visit me, after many times of canceling and declining requests to visit. I sadly realized that I was denying service from others and not allowing my home-teachers to fulfill their callings. They came to stop by my house and shared a short message with me and closed with their extension of anything around the house I may need fixed or worked on. As I sat on the carpet, I stared at Garrett, and my mind started to wander onto what a future would look like with a guy of his standing. He would probably be respectful, and open my door, and make me laugh, and get along with his mother, and would throw the football with my little brothers, and hold my hand in public, and kiss my forehead, and tickle my back, and goes to church every Sunday (...all three hours), and most likely participates in service activities, and wants children one day, and could hold a steady career, and got straight A's, and would bring me 'just-because' flowers, and be able to hold a conversation with my father.

And then I realized............those are all of the qualities, I had written down as a 13 year old girl, about what I wanted in my future husband; I had completely forgotten. For so many years my wants and requirements in a future companion had been skewed and distorted by worldly desires and my heart had been broken, and strung alone, and fragile and hardened. I had finally reached a day where my heart belonged to no one else but myself; all pieces were, at last, found and all holes had been filed.

Garrett and I texted that night and got onto the conversation of guns, somehow... being from Texas and guns correlate. We went on our first date, to the indoor shooting range, the next day. I beat him in a target game and realized this guy was just as, if not more, competitive than I was. Afterwards, we went to hot chocolate and fell into a deep conversation about our family dynamics, education. future goals. and personality traits. I invited him over to watch The Bachlorette that night, and to my and every girl's surprise, he said yes. He tickled by back for two hours and there I was falling quickly for a guy who lived 600 feet from my house, a guy who had been right in front of me, a couple aisles over, for months.

Within a week we were on our second date. He made me a mexican dinner from scratch, got me my favorite candy, a movie, and set up a fire in the backyard. I waited and waited for him to kiss me, while talking about our childhood in front of the defusing fire....and finally at the last hour of our date, it happened. We had our first kiss; our last first kiss. I was taking multiple bathroom breaks to text my mom and sister saying "he is it. I just know it. this is my future husband." I knew after two dates that this man was going to be the love of my life and father of my children, one day.

We were meeting each other's families, taking road trips, and setting plans for future holidays all within in a couple months. I had never felt more at ease, in any relationship, with a human being before. Everything was falling together so easily that doubt or question never crossed my mind even for a split second. Discussing our future and marriage came just as, talking about our weekend plans, did.

We were engaged on July 2, 2015 while walking through downtown Salt Lake at the LDS Temple grounds. We celebrated our engagement in the Bahamas, with my family through the month of July.

I can honestly say the rock of our relationship has been our families. Being able to spend time with the Lanier's and sharing Garrett with my family has created a comfort unlike any I've felt.

Garrett and I will be sealed for all time and eternity in the Gilbert, Arizona Temple on October 10, 2015. Everyday spent with him feels as if the best day of my life, but I know it is only getting better from here on out. There is NOTHING better in this life than being in love. I now am able to fully understand the timing, as I look back on the question marks and why's, Having someone who loves me for my flaws, strengths, weaknesses, scars, pains, quirks, phobias, obsessions, and so much more is the most wonderful blessing I have ever received. I pray, in gratitude, every single day for this blessing and plan to never stop humbling myself to the format of doing so.

 I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once.

Last night I realized I have been neglecting my blog since 2014. I've been giving my journal a lot more attention, lately. There is something so special about paper and penciled-honesty. It also occurred to me that sadness brings out the emotional-writing-side of myself.  Time spent at my keyboard and lying in bed, with a to-go meal, are my chronic symptoms of sadness. I never knew this about myself until 2015; in which, I have reached a maximum happiness. I have learned so much about myself over the past 5 years and have finally achieved a true understanding of who it is I really have wanted to become. The most patient and kind-loving person has entered my life and shown me genuine love and compassion. I now understand why nothing else had ever worked out for me, in the past. I have fallen in love with the most perfect man I have ever met. I am discovering characteristics and features of him that I never knew I needed. This is my real happiness.

The Sister Missionaries stopped by to see me today. I don't know how they knew, but I needed them this week. I have been feeling a little out of touch with the Spirit lately. The last two weekends I have had to help out at work with shopping our families from the homeless shelter, for Christmas gifts. We have spent a lot of time coordinating these weekends full of gifts, rides, wrapping, donations, and radio broadcasts. Each week I have had a fever, cough, flu, runny nose; you name it. It has been the least bit enjoyable, unlike The Holidays are meant to be. Up until today, I have forgotten what the true purpose of Christmas is. The sister missionaries started off their message with this video and I couldn't help but hold my tears back during such an overwhelming display of Christ's love. I feel so blessed to be a daughter of Heavenly Father. Today could of gone 100% differently, but because they felt prompted to visit me, I have a whole new feeling in my heart and home. I am so thankful and so touched. 

"I don’t want you to be waiting, to be sitting there hoping for me to arrive. No, you are so much more than me, you have a life that is full of meaning and beauty. I don’t want you to leave your canvas blank because you think I’ll be the paint, for you are the paint to your own canvas, you are being made into something wonderful. Don’t dream of me, and forget to live your own wonderful life, because I’ll meet you one day, and we’ll have so much to catch up on. One day, you can take me through the museum that is your life, and I will fall in love with all the stories that lay within those walls. So don’t wait for me, because you and I will start a new life when the time is right, but for now, love the story you are in; I know I will."

— T.B. LaBerge

August has come and gone. Tomorrow is September, and tonight I will sleep sound knowing there is nothing but October smells coming to visit here soon. I turned 24 years old on the 2nd. I celebrated by moving into a new apartment in downtown Salt Lake City. It has been everything I ever dreamed it would be. I've been thinking about all of my outcomes. I have these plans and dreams and wishes and alofasudden..they've happened. I am in them, not even recollecting the build-up, faith, and work it took to achieve it all. Sometimes I am so envious of all of these profiles and visuals of others' lives of travel and bliss that I forget how far I have come, myself. I was offered two dreams jobs in a matter of 48 hours, last month. I could choose to fulfill my dream of traveling for a career, as a flight attendant or choose stability and remain in my field of helping the lives of those in need as a Case Manager for homeless families. This year of dating, working, and growing into an even more 'adulthood' stage has driven my desire for a constant. It has come time for me to buy furniture of my own, to have consistency, and to develop a home. I took the job as a Case Manager and I couldn't begin to explain how solid it feels. The happiness I feel helping out a single mother with 5 kids, find resources and funding to help her move into a new furnished apartment is unlike any happiness I've felt in a long while. It is a humbling experience and an odd feeling to get paid to give service to those in crisis. I have loved being able to explore a whole new city with new places to eat and new men to date. I am so happy here, so content, and so stable. Fall is so close I can feel it in my bones. So right. 

I decided this week that I needed the open-road-sort of therapy. I took off to Idaho, of all places. It's so strange to me to not ever remember that beautiful of a drive, I drove for so many semesters at the age of 18 and 19 years old. Not even 6 years later, I see a completely different view, noticing mountains, open waters, and roaming animals; all of which I can't remember ever taking note of. What is is about age that changes an outlook on the world? I remember being so confused, at a younger age, by why my parents took drives....to just drive and see. Here I am, driving to a different state, to stay 48 hours, just to get a different view, a breath of new air, and of course, to see people who mean to world to me. My best friend since junior year of high school just had her first baby. We left Keller, Texas together, and headed up north to Rexburg, Idaho. She now has been married for 4 years to the greatest guy ever and they just had their first boy two weeks ago, and named him Alder West. After spending the weekend watching their love pour out for this little angel, it has me all gittery and excited for my own family one day. It also makes me nervous; no one teaches humans how to raise humans. I spent the four hour drive home reflecting on life and the purpose of it all. Sometimes I just lose sight, I get so focused on unimportant substance and forget that it's all about family and love and simple happiness; about procreating and returning to live with our Heavenly Father. That little boy was the closest thing to heaven I've ever touched and he radiated with this peacefulness, that everything is okay. One day I will be able to hold my own little piece of Heaven and all the answers to my questions and pleas will lay in my hands. I just feel so ready. I know it's not on my time but if there was ever a day I have felt the most collected thoughts and surety, it would be today. I am oh so ready.

There are two people you’ll meet in your life.  One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts of you that peak their interest.  The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe fold corners of you that inspired them most.  You will meet these two people; it is a given.  It is the third that you’ll never see coming.  That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book.

one day, someone will see my value. they will make me a priority, not a convenience. there won't be any walls, running, mixed signals or insecurities. and I won't ever, again, have to play along to a game I never signed up for.

“Listen to your being. It is continuously giving you hints; it is a still, small voice. It does not shout at you, that is true. And if you are a little silent you will start feeling your way. Be the person you are. Never try to be another, and you will become mature. Maturity is accepting the responsibility of being oneself, whatsoever the cost. Risking all to be oneself, that's what maturity is all about.” 

― Osho

I've been clinging to my bedside a lot, lately. It's quite unique how perfectly the knees and forearms shape to the angle of a bed; how your heavy head can fall perfectly into your interlaced fingers. A manicure can only lift 'spirits' so much, but an exchange of words, clarification, needs, and gratitude over-top of that manicure can make a world of a difference. I'm taking a needed break from eye-appetizers, for a little while, and turning to intellectual up-lifters'. My soul needs and deserves some soothing.

april has been nothing but lovely.

Some call love a word, some call love a thief
But she's my home
And she's as much apart for this broken heart, but see
Broken bones always seem to mend

"Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens. The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away."

- John Steinbeck

See the rock that you hold onto
Is it gonna save you
When the earth begins to crumble?
Whyd'you feel you have to hold on?
Imagine if you let go

I haven't cried in probably two months but all I have to do is play one song and it's instant tears. Last Kiss- Taylor Swift. It brings me back to a crazy time in my life. I'm suddenly back, 20 years old sitting on my floor bawling over a guy I was madly in love with, trying to train my brain to forget his embedded number in my head. Detaching every nerve in my body that won't let go of his memory, his touch, his love for music, and the months he spent on the exact square of carpet..my body by his side and my heart in his hands . I'm now diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma and all of my dreams of moving to Hawaii are on hold. I have short blonde hair, tan fragile skin, and feathers clipped into my braids. My windows don't have curtains and I'm sneaking boys into my room at 4am. I spend $250 on chemotherapy clothes in hopes to feel better about the upcoming month of fear, shattering my every bone. I'm up all hours of the night, sometimes until 6am, falling asleep at sunrise. I rarely go to church and I have no appetite from my heartbreak. I'm in and out of surgery and addicted to hydrocodiene. I'm opening 5-10 "get-well-cards" a day. I hate the attention I'm getting and cry more for my moms sadness than I do for my own. I'm rubbing vitamin E oil all over my fresh scars, ruining my sheets and brand new memory foam mattress. I'm staring into the mirror wondering how I will look bald, questioning why I never got a warning, wondering if I deserve this for being mean to the girl who stole my boyfriend. Wondering if it's all my fault for tanning too much for prom. All for one day; one event I won't even remember. I'm driving for a purpose and getting half way down the road and short- term-memory loss has me right back in the drive way, tears running down my face. I'm calling my sister, while she's on a mission in chile, asking her how I will do this without her..my best friend. Promising her I am strong, encouraging her to stay and do what she knows is right. I'm fully convinced I am a bird, wings, nest and all convinced I will fly free one day, as a free bird would. 

sunday goods

This week has been mind; yes.. my mind week. I have finally captured the strength of my own mind. Most would say to listen to the heart or the body, but I beg to differ. Putting the mind to sleep at night is probably my most favorite part of the day. Feeling those seconds in between REM sleep; coherent to know you're falling into a doze but not grasping the mixture of thoughts your mind is creating into dreams, so much fuzzy nonsense. I have loved waking up with renewed goodness and intellect of information I have crammed into my mind at night, whether it is images of art from tumblr, words in my book of the month, or even cleansing feelings from a meaningful prayer. I am teaching my mind to work differently; training it to understand the why's and why not's. I may not have stamina, physical strength, or resistance towards particular temptations but I have a strong mind; and it's working for me.

you.

I hate small talk. tell me about how lonely you get at night or tell me about why you keep waking up in the morning. talk to me about your mom's eyes or your dad's laugh. I don't care about the weather and you don't care about how my job's going.

So we lay in the dark,
Cause we've got nothing to say.
Just the beating of hearts,
Like two drums in the grey.
I don't know what we're doing,
I don't know what we've done.
But the fire is coming,
So I think we should run.

Most nights I sit here and think about what I could write that would be creative; something that would stand out for the few eyes who read this. I realized, last night, as I scrolled through pictures and font on tumblr that the best writes I write are only when I'm sad. When someone has broken me or pushed me to the point of tears, is when I can write novels. I should find this to be a good reason for not writing as much in the last couple of months.

I have realized that moving to a new location doesn't make you a new person. I still look for temporary happiness in the worst forms. I still feel tired at 2pm. I still go for the guy who wears vans and has commitment issues. I still look for flights going away from where I reside. And I still feel homesick for a place that doesn't exist.

After a weekend away from my new home I'm starting to realize that running from experience doesn't ever further the growth that is meant to happen. Through experience we gain maturity and the outcome helps shape our reaction to a similar situation in the future.
 If I constantly resort to my natural habit of "running", whether that be physically or mentally, then I will forever be running from reality. Forever running means never experiencing and never experiencing 

means never maturing.

today

December

 

Madz

 

snow snow snow snow

 Sundance

Megz

I do not own a thighgap.

 

can't go home alone again. need someone to numb the pain.
 staying in my play pretend where the fun ain't got no end.

 

"I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. If we don’t vibrate on the same frequency there’s just no reason for us to waste our time. I’d rather have no one and wait for substance than to not feel someone and fake the funk."

— Joquesse Eugenia

October is always so good to me. Normally, I cringe when I think about the month coming to a close. November always brings back memories I try to tuck away, hide under my clothing, and downplay when asked why? 

I have been working two jobs, this past month, that have taught me much more than a 4 year degree ever did. I'm a youth counselor at a behavioral and mental health treatment center for adolescents, as well as a tracker for an organization that takes youth who are in trouble with the law and places them in proctor homes.

I'm unraveling the stories of some 13 year old girls who have been raped, abused, neglected, suicidal, anorexic and so much more. I'm helping to treat the emotions of 16 year old boys who are headed to prison and are overcoming meth and cocaine addictions since the age of 10; Children who have been left to die and placed in foster care of those who absence any love and affection for these helpless lives.

It is an unreal position I never knew I could handle, but find myself craving the interest and fuel I have to better the lives of these kids.

November is going to be good to me. I can't allow some past time to eat me alive for 31 days at a time. I'm shoveling this optimistic view into kids minds every single day and have yet to teach myself. I am unconditionally in love with this experience.

"Do not make homes of people,

this will leave you homesick and sad,

missing arms that cannot hold roofs,

hearts with shaky foundations."

-Michelle K., Home.

UTAH

I take pride in spilling my thoughts on this keyboard of mine. Everything I write comes from the heart and each little word, phrase, and story has deep meaning to me. Inspiration is one thing but imitating is another. As flattering as it is, nothing is more uncomfortable than finding your own words, feelings, and personal thoughts on an others blog. Use your own words, speak your own mind through touching moments of your life, and remember that you are yourself for a reason, don't be a copy paste.

 “A poor original is better than a good imitation.” 

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I live in Utah. I paid cash for a car. I don't have a job. I have been living out of a suitcase, sleeping on carpet, and bumming food off friends. This is what it has come down to. I know that moving out of your parents home is a big step to most, but to me, its quite normal. I love having to limit my items to fit in a 50 lb-maximum-weight suitcase; only getting to pack 6 flannels instead of the 13 in my closet. It's nothing surprising when I realize I forgot my eye glasses in Texas, my pants in Idaho, and my carry-on full of shoes is still sitting my trunk. I'm trying my best to attract positive and driven thoughts. I have learned that discouragement attracts negativity and I committed to myself, long ago, to cut out any thing/person of that sort. I have been able to spend the last two weeks with some of my oldest friends, catching up on their new love lives, fiances and husbands. I had forgotten how to socialize with people of my age, there for a while, and now realize I just moved my life out to one of the biggest most- social scenes in America. I don't feel homesick, nor know which home I'd even feel sick from missing, but I now appreciate all the many times my parents moved us as kids. Moving has strengthened my mind and personality in a way like any other life event. I have been able to gain fearlessness of getting on a plane alone, getting lost on the highway driving across states, and understanding cultures and why people are the way they are.

 I am happy to be here. My mind starts to wander on "where to next?" but I think I may just stay a while.

We can’t be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don’t have something better.

- C. Joybell C.

life as of late, through my iphone lens

being sassy at starbucks

unreal mexican at Nada

AJ at the Lake

pretending to fish

sissy came for a short visit 

my Grandma celebrated 80 years of life

Aunt Nana's cute house

stayed with my BESTEST friend, in Columbus

this is not unusual 

best night ever downtown with my friend of 18 years

realized I need to move to the city

I'm missing this big little brother of mine, on the right. He left for a 2-year mission about 5 weeks ago. Hunter is 18 years old and has always been one of my best friends. I have 3 younger brothers and there has never been a day where I am unable to "stand" them. I know a lot of siblings have driven each other crazy over the years but I feel lucky enough to have never been in a fight with either of them, as well as them with each other. Hunter is now sending us weekly emails of his happiness and highlights of enlightening others' lives with sharing the Gospel. I am so proud of him for all he has accomplished and will achieve. I find myself wearing his flannels and T-shirts...almost everyday. I miss cuddling and eating ice cream together but I know he is where he needs to be and I am so grateful to have such an amazing example in my life; someone who is younger than I am, but one I hope to follow footsteps in.

Yesterday I turned 23 years old. It was a food-filled day; Cheesecake Factory for lunch and a Sushi date for dinner with a nice gentleman. I spent many hours, in-between meals, shopping the outlets.. but felt I should save my money, like an adult would. I am happy and thankful to be blessed with another year from my Heavenly Father. Let the happenings begin.

For Tyler

Tyler

When we saw the sky, you saw 100 shades of blue,

Your imagination and creativity impacted everyone you knew.

Your stories were amazing; such a talented young boy,

Always helping those around you feel a little bit of joy.

And your laughter; so contagious bringing smiles to those around,

We can't wait to be reunited with that beautiful sound.

In a  world so difficult, we know you had grown sad...

But never did we know it had gotten this bad.

Headphones in your ear, music filled your soul,

When we hear your favorite songs your memory fills that hole.

You a young boy who grew to work so hard,

Your memory, your joy, will forever leave us scarred. 

But its a beautiful scar, that represents your strength,

And the impact you have  made on us forever in length.

We cry for the pain... that you must of been feeling..

and pray to our Heavenly Father that you now begin healing.

You will be in our hearts and prayers each and every day,

May Heaven open its doors and show you the way.

-Paige Conley Murray

Every time we're forced to separate my body breaks in half. Until the next time I'm with her, I deal with half a smile, half a brain, half my energy, half of my hair highlighted, half a closet, and half of my heart. I'm not even kidding. 

real

Real life is about rocking a baby to sleep. Running your fingers across his forehead until his eyes roll back in his head and his body becomes heavy in your lap. Sitting in silence, in hopes that the calming tap of your hand, on his bottom, is muzzling the sound of the booming fireworks out the window. Knowing that $12 an hour is $12 too much for the happiness, peace, and rejuvenation you have gained from this night of "work".  

Real life is about turning towards your family when receiving the awful phone call of a far too-young family members' death. It's about dropping to your knees in prayer when your legs are too weak to stand. Holding your dads hand as he leads your family in optimistic thought.  Real life is about empathy.  Emotionally putting yourself in the others position and physically feeling the ache in their heart. It's about being there for those who need you not just during, but after they need you. Pain is not always temporary, and in turn, the continuance of compassion and consideration, for those effected, should not be as well. Real life is not only asking, when in need, but thanking when blessedly given.

Real life is about looking up from your phone when someone is talking to you. It's about listening to the person who needs you to genuinely respond. It's about taking pictures for the memory, not for the amount of likes you'll get on social media apps. Life is about trusting those you trust, knowing why you do, and returning the trust because you know how important it is to YOU. Life isn't about competition and being better than an other, it's about being your best and becoming a better you. It's about living today because the day is calling your name, begging for your attention. Real life is a messy toy room. It's about telling people you love them, over and over and over again. Life is about enjoying the weather; not craving the opposition. It's about eating to survive and to enjoy, not skipping to lose. Life is about taking bubbles baths in the middle of the day, while listening to the lawn mower, and getting giddy about putting your robe on to lay around and watch movies all night with your 3 little brothers. Life is about family. It's falling deep in love and giving you an answer you never knew you were questioning. It's about knowing your purpose and testifying of this purpose to those who may not know. It's about the Gospel; the one true Gospel you know you chose to be born into.

Today is Life. Not tomorrow, or the next vacation planned, or the weekend you have off from work, or the next place your planning to live.

                                       

I'm homesick for a place that doesn't exist.

Okay first off, this is just delectably perfect. Second, it's a painting. I wish I was eating take-out in the bathtub. I wish I could be that skinny in the bathtub and I wish I would have taken painting class seriously.